Failed Mommy

I'll tell you what, there's nothing quite like the horrible feeling of not being able to be a mom to your kid, especially at this stage of the game, but that's exactly what happened.  The stress and pollution finally had their way with me and it feels like a bomb went off in my lungs an sinuses, not to mention my entire body aches and I'm just coming off a raging fever.  Fun times. 

Thank goodness I'm at a homestay/guesthouse as the very kind owners of this place stepped in and totally took care of me.  I almost collapsed yesterday evening and could hardly stand up.  I let them know I thought I may have to take Pukar back to the orphanage for the night as I was so ill.  They were being so kind and helpful and I was feeling so alone and helpless that I burst into tears and sobbed.   It felt like all the pressure of being stuck here, trying to make some kind of life in this insane city for myself and my child, and just all the stress of it just broke free.  They made me some tea and then Ajaye, the owner, drove me back with Pukar in the crazy traffic and it actually made my lungs ache despite the triple layer face mask I brought from home (that is already BLACK where I breath in and out of it).  The Didi's assured me not to worry, that they love having Pukar and he will be well cared for which is all true, but still, I feel like a total loser/failure mom.  I didn't know what else to do though, and it seemed like the best idea.  So here I am Pukarless and sad.  Hoping for a speedy recovery as I'm sure it is a bit confusing for the little guy who is consistently wanting to be with mommy over staying at the orphanage.  Sigh.  This sucks.

On an upnote, there is internet hooked up at my Guesthouse which makes it feel like a whole new world of possibility!!!!   Being cut off from the internet for the past 4 days was really, super hard.  I couldn't use it at night and I had to walk 10-15 minutes in order to get online, not very practical with a 3 year old.  And on another upnote I am making plans with a couple other moms to get out of this valley for a bit after the festival.  We are going to visit Pokhara and the Chitwan and get some fresh air.  That lifts my spirits a lot. 

And funniest thing of the day was one of my taxi drivers (I have two very kind drivers who I always look for) told me that during Dasain he asked his boss not to slaughter a goat for his taxi, just slaughter coconuts instead.  I love it!  An act of kindness towards a goat.  Apparently they slaughter goats during one day of the festival for anything the own that is mechanical so that it may run smoothly throughout the year...it's supposed to be a bloody, gore show.  I think I might stay inside that day.  Just the walk in the morning with entire animal carcasses out by the side of the road being hacked up with an ax is a little too much for me.

Signing off from the hellhole formerly known as Kathmandu,  Jenni

First Night with Mommy

Great night for Pukar, bad night for mommy.  The dogs barked all night long, mosquitoes buzzed my head, and every little sound he made worried me, but he slept the whole night and awoke happy as can be.  Not so much on my end.  Haha!

I got him a soccer ball yesterday and after a hard day of play in Durbar Square with numerous other children of all ages (Nepali are so curious and we make easy conversation pieces), we headed home as the sun started to set (6:30pm).  It’s about a 10-15 minute walk from my guesthouse to the Square, and about 2 minutes into it, he started to fall asleep.  He’s not a small boy and the 10-15 minute walk seemed more like 20-25 with a sack of Pukar potatoes in my arms.  Motorcycles whizzing by, horns honking and all he stayed passed out for the rest of the walk and into the night.

He was the most animated I have ever seen him yesterday, full of laughter and tugging on my arm, “gumna janay, gumna janay” (let’s go play).  It’s very rewarding to see his little personality come to life.   We play this very interesting game of chase that he instigates, and it involves him running and then letting me catch him, at which time he goes limp in my arms and wants me to hold him up, swing him or just carry him.  It’s quite fun until it involves running toward stairs as he will just step right off the top stair and trust me to grab him.  Today he climbed up part of a temple and started running for the two-foot drop off.  I literally caught him by the collar in mid air, onlookers gasping.  Very scary.  It seems as if it is some of way for him to establish that he trusts me, but I’m not sure.  That’s just how it feels.  He loves loves loves to be held.

I don’t have ‘the schedule’ down at all so I’ll have to work on that.  Every time I have him all day I have hard time getting him to eat much.  I’ve tried all kinds of different foods that they say he likes and one day he wants it and the next day he doesn’t.  It never seems like enough.  Ugh.  He is VERY interested in seeing the world.  My kind of kid! J  The thing about Nepal is it’s filthy here, and every day we come home covered in dirt and grime.  However, I have the bathroom from heaven, worth the price of the entire room.  Hot water, clean, the shower isn’t over the toilet, new tile, it doesn’t smell, it’s big, it has lights, and they even work.  I’m telling you it’s soooo nice to have a bathroom like that in a country like this, cause at least at the end of the day I can come home and go to bed clean.  It’s those little things that keep me sane. 

Sights of they day:  Goat heads on a cart by the side of the road, open sewage pouring (and I mean POURING) into the street and down the road, a kid on a bike with baskets of bloody bones hanging off the front, back and sides, and a printing shop called Queer Printing.  

Meanwhile, the festival has started and I don't expect to hear much about my case for a few weeks.  Sigh.  I'm soooo ready to come home!

Laughter is Good Medicine

Thanks to my mac application Photo Booth we had some serious laughs today.  While the children were napping I busted out the computer and Shanti and Ganga were really interested so I pulled up Photo Booth and started using the effects.  Obviously here is some of the great shots.  Even the neighbors got in on the fun.  Laughter is such a fun thing to share with others.  Even when the barrier of words exists, it's a common language.  It felt really good to have a good laugh with these women who I've mostly cried with over the past 10 days. 

Earlier in the day, I had to go into the hellhole commonly referred to as Kathmandu to renew my tourist visa.  They charge $2 a day to visit Nepal, by the way, and I extended for 60 days.  Not cheap, and I had a little sticker shock and even had to borrow money from my cab driver as I was completely taken off guard by the price.   With the number of tourists coming here I have to wonder where all this cash goes.  Certainly not into infrastructure, clean water, or roads.  And trekking permits are pretty pricey as well, which is what most people come to do.  Double Whammy.

My day with Pukar was absolutely awesome.  He is getting to where he is jealous when the other children want to hang on me, and comes running over and busts in on the action when it's getting a little too lovey without him.  He also really wants me to hold and carry him a lot which is new.  And his big thing nowadays is going outside to play.  He wants me to take him away from the orphanage, anywhere is fine it seems.  And if there are kites, all the better.  He's obsessed with kites.  We had long conversation today with some beautiful children from the neighborhood who had kites and whom Pukar wanted to follow wherever they went. (where was my camera!!!).  They learn English in school and love to practice.  He just wanted to be near them it seems, standing and staring.  Shy.  When I left he had to walk me all the way out to the main road, which is about a 10 minute walk on those little legs.  And when I said good bye and he headed back with his Didi, I stood and watched and he turned around again and again and again to see if I was there.  So beautiful.  Tonight he will come with me and spend his first night.  I hope it goes well.  It's a HUGE deal.

And there has been such a wonderful response from people wanting to help that I  am just blown away.  I will have to do a whole post just on that.   But please know that your generosity is SO APPRECIATED, and words cannot express my gratitude.  Namaste.

And here's a link to Joy's final slideshow:  (darn these are over):  Stupas and Swimming Pools

A Typical Day In Nepal

L to R:  Sumjana, Rajani, Sharmella, Raju, Pukar

Yesterday we had a really awesome day together.  Joy had left me some money to buy the children clothes as she ran out of time, and I was able to get 4 little sweatsuits:  pants, jacket and shirt all for about $7 a piece.  Here they are!!  How cute is that?  They were THRILLED!  All their clothes are stained and with holes, and surprisingly, this really seems to matter to them.

I then took Pukar to Bhaktapur for the day and we visited my new home to get him familiar with the new surroundings and meet our hosts.  Afterwords, we walked to Durbar Square to play, where there are no motorbikes or cars.  Everyone had a kite since it is almost the Dasain festival and the children apparently have kite wars.  Pukar is crazy about kites ("SANGA! SANGA!" ~ means kite in Nepali), so we bought one for about .75 complete with these very cool wooden spools, and the children in the Square taught us how to fly.  One super nice kid called himself the kite professor.  He would get it up in the air and then give it to Pukar to hold onto.  We only lost one to a rooftop :-).  It's amazing to me how helpful and generous the children are with us.  So willing to spend time to assist us and so interested in this strange mommy and Nepali child.  I didn't take any photos!!!  I'm not used to being the photographer, but trust me it was super cute.  Imagine, these beautiful children of all ages, flying little paper kites in an ancient square with fabulous temples. Neat, huh? 

We had a Nepali Thali for lunch and I'm starting to get him to eat better.  Lentils, rice and carrots yesterday.  Hooray!  He likes it more when he can do it himself and though it makes a horrific mess on the floor, me and him, if it gets him to eat,  I'm in.  He's such a sweet kid and so incredibly easy so far.  He's cautious with people at first, but once he warms up and his little personality shines it's really something to behold.  He talks to me mostly in Nepali still, and I'm learning a little or I ask someone what is trying to say to me.  Yesterday at the end of the day he could see I was packing things up and he told me, "No Janay"... I don't want to go.  That's the best day ever. Even when I took him back to the orphanage he is normally very attached to one of his Didi's but yesterday he was hanging on to me like never before.  It's a good feeling to see that we are making progress that feels really healthy.

Of all the children at the orphanage Pukar is the least clingly.  When I arrive at the orphanage they all come running up to me, "auntie, auntie" with little outstretched arms, wanting to be picked up and held.  I can get two at a time up in my arms, and three when in my lap when I'm sitting down.  It's going to be hard to leave them. 

Right now I don't have internet at my house which is a real bummer, but the walk to the restaurant in the morning where I take breakfast (and has free wifi) provides a great show along way.  Here are a few of the things I noticed this morning:  Men in large groups playing bells and drums chanting, slaughtered buff on the side of the road, head and all, people passing by with red tika plastered all over their foreheads, women in beautiful saris holding offerings of flour and rice to bring to the temples, numerous temples lit with candles and covered in rice, flowers and red tika, life spilling onto the street with vendors laying out their plastic sacks and spreading their wares along the side of the road, putrid smells wafting by replaced by the sweet smell of flowery incense, families of four riding by on motorbikes with their beautiful shawls blowing in the wind, the constant barrage of honking, at least three near misses as cars speed by me (I'm getting used to this), and one man with flowers on top of his head.  Sigh.  This is Nepal.

Namaste SOS

I have launched a new blog which you can click here to see:  Namaste SOS .   In case you need it the URL is:  www.namastesos.blogspot.com.

It is a place where you or someone you know may visit to find out about my journey and donate to help if you feel inclined.

The donation button is via paypal, so you will need a paypal account to donate.  If you don't have one or find it too hard to get one (I had a very hard time with paypal), you may contact me directly at: lotuslola9@gmail.com to find out other ways to donate.

There is also information about 'Other Ways to Help'.

This is a blog you can send out to anyone as no invite is needed.  It will remain a one page blog so it serves as more of a website, as I won't be doing updates on it like I do on Prayer on the Wind.

I would also like to know if you donate, if you wish to be named.  I plan to post thank you's with our without dollar amounts as you wish.

Thank you for your love and caring about my journey, and please don't feel you have to donate, only if it is something that you feel is right in your heart.  Namaste.

*** See the post below for the most recent NEWS

A Day Is Like a Week Here

Namaste loved ones!  Sorry it has been so long since the last blog.  Things have been busy here, and between that, intermittent power, moving Guest Houses, Joy leaving,  and spending time with Pukar it's been difficult to be able to write.

So much has happened, I will try my best to encapsulate it.

We have had a couple magical days taking Pukar out of the orphanage and having fun.  We took him to Boudnath Stupa (picture forthcoming when I get the link).  This is beautiful Buddhist Stupa where monks and other Tibetans/Buddhists even Hindus come to walk around the base clockwise, spinning the prayer wheels and chanting Om Mane Padme Hum.  There is a air of peacefulness, and it's beautiful to see all of the orange monk robes flowing by,  smell the familiar Tibetan burning incense, and watch the prayer flags blowing in the wind alongside the eyes of Buddha.  Pukar was the center of attention, especially with the monks.  I'm not sure if it's the Nepali child with a Western mom, his cuteness, or something else about him, but he definitely draws attention to himself.  We had a great time buying grain and throwing it to the pigeons, until too many hands got into the grain pile and it turned into a free for all of screaming and grabbing, reminding me of the streets of Kathmandu.  At first Pukar was scooping handfuls into a another little girls palms and sharing sweetly which was super cute, but then some school age boys got involved and it was too much.  Life can be rough, huh?   On the way out we were surprised by a Hindu Worshipper who called us close to show us the huge snake in his bag.  Pukar and I both jumped back in surprise.  You see the darndest things here, I swear!

We had the good fortune to spend the afternoon at a hotel pool where another Mom from the States was staying.  She had come to sign her papers as well but had to return home, unfortunately, as I really enjoyed meeting her.  Pukar was THRILLED with the pool.  Screaming and laughing and playing near the water and in the extensive lawn.  It was so cute.  He is a very cautious little boy, and all of this is new so everything takes time for him to warm up to it.  But the pool was a huge hit, so I'm going to try to find a pool nearby that we can visit once a week or so.

I was initiated into motherhood as Pukar fell asleep in my lap and wet himself all over me in the van/taxi.  By some miracle I had on my fastest drying pants and had brought a change of clothes for him, plus we found a supply of water and a place to change that didn't stink of excrement (as most public bathrooms do).  So I rinsed out my pants and changed him up and away we went.  Later we found his lollipop wedged into the fabric of my sweater.  Haha...Joy got endless laughter out of all this.

Joy had to leave yesterday and it was a bad day all the way around.  We went to the orphanage in the morning, but she had to leave before me and Pukar was super upset, screaming and crying when she left in the van.  I think he's gotten used to two mommies; like a mommy team.  Even though Joy has been very careful to let me be the primary caregiver, we are always together, and Pukar gets very attached to different things, much more so than the other children.  Joy had really bonded with a little girl named Sharmella, but she seemed fine along with the other children who waved Bye Bye.  Things went downhill from there.  He fell and hit his head, and never really recovered.  Was sad and fussy the whole day.  I had never seen him like that.  It was super hard. He's not the only one who is gonna miss her, that's for sure.  Yikes.

On an up note, I was at the orphanage when the Investigation Team from the US Embassy arrived to do their onsite investigation.  THIS MEANS MY INVESTIGATION HAS STARTED!!!!  I had to wait in another room but eavesdropped on the conversation and had a good talk with them.  Basically they are trying to get information to prove he is an orphan which is the hard part as the police records all say the same thing about these kids:  found by the river.  No one is still around to question and no one knows anything.  It's a bummer.  There is a social stigma culturally when women give up their children and what I've heard is they are protecting the identities of the women and their families, but ultimately this has to change or these children won't be able to be adopted.  What I have going for me was they were visibly impressed with the small size of the orphanage, how well cared for, healthy and obviously loved the children are, and how they hadn't taken in any new babies in the last 2 years.  All good signs.  They were pretty forthcoming about the process of the investigation and they are really doing their best to do the right thing I believe.

Despite all that, 2 more cases went to Delhi and 3 more are going in today to find out if they have been approved.  I'm still holding out hope. 

I am planning to spend the first night with Pukar on Thursday and from then on we will visit the orphanage during the day for a couple hours and then return to our 'home' at night.  My new Guest House is with a Nepali family.  I have a large room and a great bathroom, but it is still very strange and funky as many places here are.  We are definitely not in Kansas anymore.  Things just aren't quite right, but I will adjust.  I'm trying to stay as low budget as possible and still be reasonably comfortable.  This is familiar territory as I staying in this part of the world for 9 months in 1998 as many of you recall.

I'll have another link soon to some great photos.  Joy is flying now, so we have to wait til she gets home I think.  Thank you for staying in touch.  It means a lost, especially now that I am alone.

He's Adopted and I'm Staying

I feel like I should be out celebrating the fact that I just crossed a monumental hurdle in the adoption process; the signing of my adoption papers.  But in fact, I'm so exhausted from the whole ordeal of the past few days or perhaps the past few months  (I'm not sure which), that all I can do is sit here and try to decompress.   Bottom line:  He's mine, and that's really, truly good news.

But it's like the false summit as the real mountaintop lies in the weeks and months ahead.  After signing I headed straight to the US Embassy and had a good, long chat with the spokesperson who we all deal with, April.   I wanted to put a face to her name and visa-versa, and I also had Pukar with me and I wanted to try to appeal to her human nature as well, for what it's worth.  That was also out of convenience as the trip into Kathmandu is a brutal one, and I wanted to lump a couple things together if possible.  What I figured out today was this:  She said that the problem in proving these cases as abandoned is that the standards they are being held to are set SO HIGH it is really difficult to get all the required documents, etc. in order to meet the criteria.   This is the sticking point and this is why everyone is being sent to Delhi.  Our criteria is not the same as pre-Aug 6th, and they've made it nearly impossible to meet. There is no way for a country like Nepal to be able to meet the standards set by a country like the US, especially when there is a 'caretaker' government in place and all this instability.  Things don't work like that here.  That being said, they really do want to approve cases.  I hope one of those is me.

On another note, today was the first day Pukar was out of the orphanage alone with me.  He sat in my lap literally for 7 hours.  He was an amazing little trooper.  Unbelievable actually.  He took two naps in my arms, and was wide eyed and curious the rest of the time.  He is an incredibly tolerant child.  We were bonding as I was the comfort zone for sure.  But wow, long day for him.  I decided at the end of the day that I would wait to take him out of the orphanage for the night until I felt he was more ready.  He's still so attached to his Didi, and she to him, that keeping him overnight too soon, could be traumatic.  So I deposited him back at 'home' with her, and made plans to just take him for part of the day tomorrow (and make it a purely FUN day), and then expand that day by day, until we are ready to take the leap.  Then we will visit the orphanage for the day, and come 'home' to our place.

Which brings me to this:  What is our place?   I've decided I can't go home.  He is as such a vulnerable and perfect age for language and attachment that I can't leave him here at the orphanage and hope it'll be ok when I return.  Everything in my body and heart tells me I need to stay.  I found a place today for the first month in Bhaktapur at kind of a Nepali Home Stay Guest House, and then later plan to move to Pokhara. (to stay with a Nepali family of my dear friend Thane, who I met here 12 years ago!!!)  I will do this only when he seems to be doing well without daily visits to the orphanage.  The less traumatic, the better for everyone in the long run.

I don't know how long this whole process is going to take and I have no idea how I am going to make ends meet, but I am staying anyway, because it's truly the right thing to do for us.  It feels insane and perfect at the same time.  I know, lots of 'but how's' and my answer is: 'I don't know', but I'm not leaving this child here in an orphanage after he's been told I'm his mommy and he's going home with me, only to have me stop showing up, and then reappear some months later.  I just can't do it.

So I will end with that.  There were so many things that happened today; our scenic taxi ride home, Joy's tireless support, meeting another adoptive parent and child at the Ministry, our $5 meal, Tibetan toast, and Nepalese sense of time and paper shuffling to name a few.  But most days are like this, and I try to just encapsulate the major events.  Can't believe I've only been here a week.  Impossible.  Can't believe Joy leaves me Monday.  Unfathomable.

See our day in photos:  Adoption Day ~ a little scary but a brave boy