Friday, April 29, 2011

Springing Back, Sprouting Within

With the coming of Spring I am finding that the 'me' that I know as "Jenni" is coming back.  It has been a long time since I have felt 'normal', and it feels really, really, really good.  I know that I will never be the same as pre-Nepal, but the lightness, the joy, the positive outlook, the deep sense of the Universe as benevolent, and the World as a beautiful place, is all starting to come back.  When a friend recently invited me to a BBQ (no big deal) and inside my being I jumped with excitement, I knew things were beginning to sprout within.  I WANT to be social, I am looking forward to being with other people... these are things that I have somewhat avoided for the past 3 months.  I just wanted to be close to home (if I wasn't working, and thankfully work is a haven of peace), and spend time with only my innermost circle.  Why?

I have been trying to make some sense of the depth of what I, and many other brave women endured in Nepal while fighting for our children amidst such poverty and chaos.   I am finding that my nerves cannot take a lot of stimulation anymore, that it agitates me when things are too chaotic or loud.  I have never loved city noise, which is why I live in the mountains, but I think those 4 months being bombarded day and night with noise, shattered some part of me that I am only now starting to put back together.  And in those long months, I lost some of my light and learnings, and fought with sheer will in order to endure the hardship of living in a place that was completely the opposite of the things I value in a place to live:  tranquility, beauty, community, clean air, nature.  I remember literally bracing myself mentally just to go outside for a walk, because the pollution and street noise were so overwhelming.  I remember not going out at all because I just couldn't face it.  I remember sleepless nights because dogs and horns would not stop to let me rest.  I remember the feeling of waking up to another day in Kathmandu.

With all that behind me, and being safely home with my son, I should be on top of the World, and I am...but with a heaviness that I've been neither able to understand or shake.  But slowly, as the sun's yang rays warm me inward, I feel the tension beginning to melt away, and the 'real me' beginning to reawaken.  As I unravel this, I will share more.

And now for some other kinds of sharing... Look at this little boy ride his 'stryder'... such balance! Unreal!

And a great day for a picnic with Uncle Papa!

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