Failed Mommy

I'll tell you what, there's nothing quite like the horrible feeling of not being able to be a mom to your kid, especially at this stage of the game, but that's exactly what happened.  The stress and pollution finally had their way with me and it feels like a bomb went off in my lungs an sinuses, not to mention my entire body aches and I'm just coming off a raging fever.  Fun times. 

Thank goodness I'm at a homestay/guesthouse as the very kind owners of this place stepped in and totally took care of me.  I almost collapsed yesterday evening and could hardly stand up.  I let them know I thought I may have to take Pukar back to the orphanage for the night as I was so ill.  They were being so kind and helpful and I was feeling so alone and helpless that I burst into tears and sobbed.   It felt like all the pressure of being stuck here, trying to make some kind of life in this insane city for myself and my child, and just all the stress of it just broke free.  They made me some tea and then Ajaye, the owner, drove me back with Pukar in the crazy traffic and it actually made my lungs ache despite the triple layer face mask I brought from home (that is already BLACK where I breath in and out of it).  The Didi's assured me not to worry, that they love having Pukar and he will be well cared for which is all true, but still, I feel like a total loser/failure mom.  I didn't know what else to do though, and it seemed like the best idea.  So here I am Pukarless and sad.  Hoping for a speedy recovery as I'm sure it is a bit confusing for the little guy who is consistently wanting to be with mommy over staying at the orphanage.  Sigh.  This sucks.

On an upnote, there is internet hooked up at my Guesthouse which makes it feel like a whole new world of possibility!!!!   Being cut off from the internet for the past 4 days was really, super hard.  I couldn't use it at night and I had to walk 10-15 minutes in order to get online, not very practical with a 3 year old.  And on another upnote I am making plans with a couple other moms to get out of this valley for a bit after the festival.  We are going to visit Pokhara and the Chitwan and get some fresh air.  That lifts my spirits a lot. 

And funniest thing of the day was one of my taxi drivers (I have two very kind drivers who I always look for) told me that during Dasain he asked his boss not to slaughter a goat for his taxi, just slaughter coconuts instead.  I love it!  An act of kindness towards a goat.  Apparently they slaughter goats during one day of the festival for anything the own that is mechanical so that it may run smoothly throughout the year...it's supposed to be a bloody, gore show.  I think I might stay inside that day.  Just the walk in the morning with entire animal carcasses out by the side of the road being hacked up with an ax is a little too much for me.

Signing off from the hellhole formerly known as Kathmandu,  Jenni